Apparently MySpace isn't really cool enough anymore.
Regardless, I still need an outlet.
Generic line about myself.
I'm posting my writing.
I don't need therapy, I'm fine.
I'M FINE.

27th November 2012

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The apartment that was never mine is the only place I wanted to spend my time

This thing called change, it’s easy they say

Happens every day and you barely even flinch

Yeah, well, fuck that

This thing called change

It’s happening in my heart

It’s in my fucking brain

I can’t handle this shit anymore

Breathe in, breathe out

Calm my soul

I remember someone telling me that I didn’t have the authority to use that word

Soul

This thing called change, it is easy

Easy to ignore

I die a bit inside

Slowly feel myself getting harder

And I’m not getting sexual

I’m getting harder

Like a stone, but not saying rock hard

I breathe innuendos

I’m sitting in your apartment

But I’ve never been to your apartment

I know you but I’ve never actually met you

We talked and talked and there was potential

But I never heard your voice

You never heard mine

I hear mine

It’s hollow.  It echoes in this apartment

I want to say ‘our apartment’ but that’ll never happen

Separated by more than distance

I’m a cliché whore, fuck it.

This thing called change

It’s happening right now

Maybe I’m ok with it now

Maybe I’m just numb

Maybe all I want to say is

Please, treat me right.

Maybe all I want to say is

I’m just a little bit lost

Maybe all I want to say is

Now is where the end begins.

The end of me, of you, of all of us.

We can’t say we weren’t  warned

We can’t say we were caught off guard

It was always around us.

It was always happening.

It was change.

26th April 2012

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I just need a hand to hold

He said,
Man…you gotta start making sense of your life
Do you want to die alone?
Who the fuck wants to die alone?
You’re slowly being consumed
This rage, this sadness…this suffocating darkness

He says,
I’m surprised you manage to wake up every day alive.

We make eye contact
Briefly I can see who he used to be
Someone that I used to know
No longer, glazed and steely
We have nothing but dust and history

I’m just looking for a better place to die,
I say not breaking eye contact
Unblinking, almost like staring into an abyss
It’s becoming a pissing match
But really,
Only one of us will live.

15th February 2012

Photo with 1 note

Taken with instagram

Taken with instagram

6th December 2011

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Untitled piece about being in the moment and sentimental shit like that or something similar

Sometimes I can’t help but listen to the saddest songs and just wallow in this shallow pool of depression while I pretend that everyone around me is happy with the way their fucking lives are going.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m really here or if I actually did die in the car accident I had a few years back and that this is all just some fucked up purgatory.
Sometimes I think I can’t go on anymore and that the easiest thing to do would be to just give up and you know what? Giving up is easy and I’m so close most of the time but then your fucking face pops into my head and I can’t imagine being anywhere without you.
Sometimes I wish had the courage to let you know how many times you’ve actually saved me from the trigger but I’m afraid that you’ll just think I’m weird and look away. Clearly I’m fucking twelve again.
Sometimes I question why I’m even still around because every day I’m feeling like all I’m given is reasons as to why I should just let it all go and I fear that one say your face isn’t going to be enough to save me and that though scares the fucking shit out of me.
But right now, I close my eyes and I see you and it’s enough. And one day, when it’s not enough, I guess that’ll be ok. But right now, right now…

2nd December 2011

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Just Another Normal Saturday Night

I feel like I’m punching a brick wall
I’m tired
So angry
I have no idea what the root is
Why do I have to feel like this?
Can’t I
For even just a day
Feel happy, and normal
And just be?
But no
I must succumb to these feelings
This…rage. This…sadness
I’m tired
My fists hurt
I’m tired of this place
Bored of these people
The ones that just look right through me
I am not like them
And they could give a fuck.
I can feel my knuckles breaking
I’m at my limit
Nonetheless
Pain can’t even stop me now
I’m awake
And it’s not fucking pretty.

30th November 2011

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There’s no such thing as moving forward (I’m just getting violated by life) (in many parts)

I’m about 12 hours from where I feel safe
Obviously
I’m not fine.
I keep listening to the saddest songs
Looking for the one that places the gun in my hand
I know it’s there
I’m just a pussy
And nothing’s going to change that.
Looks like I’m stuck.

***

And I really thought
I had nothing left to say
Just sing me to sleep
But you have no voice
I’m going through this alone
How the fuck am I supposed to do this
A little support
Too much to ask for apparently

I call my mama on the phone
I work so had to sound happy
I don’t know that the love’s still there
But I fear nothing more than making her cry
When did I become this person?
When did I start to care
And who will be next?

Feelings
They fuck me good
I will fail for no other reason that I’m afraid
STOP MAKING ME CARE
But you don’t give a shit
You’re used to feeling
Bet you think everyone should,
Am I right?
You won’t answer
I’m not even sure where I’m going with this
All I know Is that I need to let it out
And I’m pretty sure
This isn’t helping one bit.

***
I’m so lost that I’m pretty sure I’m Waldo
Wish I had the fucking sweater
Then maybe people would stop wondering
What the hell is going on in my mind
I’m crafting genius here
But it just looks like shit
This is what trying too hard looks like
This is what hopelessness looks like
This is what giving up looks like
I need to stop looking at mirrors

***

The hardest part has to be looking up
You spend so much at the bottom that a change of scenery is worse
I’m pretty sure that I’m insane
Probably need to be medically regulated
The hardest part has to be looking up and realizing that you no longer can see the stars.

22nd November 2011

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That Autumn Feeling Really Fucks Me Up Bad

It’s cold and damp outside
Reminds me of how I felt
Last time I was around you

The music in my headphones
Broad
Sweeping
Painting the dull landscape
With flourishes of horns and piano
Lush grass and dying leaves

I lick my lips
Feel the crackle ever so slightly
Against the cold
Defenseless
A sly smile
Creeps out from nowhere
Crack and bleed
Blood runs down my lips

Catch it with my tongue
Metallic and thick
This can’t be healthy
I laugh and bleed more

Dried blood stains my face
Nobody says anything
Nobody notices anything
Not anymore
We’re all glued to the world in our hands
We’ve forgotten about the one outside of them

I bite my nearly raw lips
Feel blood gush in my mouth
I can barely feel it
I barely feel anything anymore

I’m losing so much blood
I feel strange
I make my music louder
Listening for that moment
The one that gives me goosebumps
The one that makes me feel
That moment
That moment I’m glad I’m still here
Experiencing it
And waiting
Patiently waiting
For the goosebumps
That I get from you
Except
They’re not there anymore.

16th November 2011

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It’s cute how you think it’s all just happening like magic

Those days when you wake up
It’s raining outside
I’m trying so hard to not feel
But all I am is angry, frustrated
Beaten down by everyone around

Would you even notice if I was gone?
Yes I think so
But that doesn’t make me feel any better
I could sleep for days
Just curled up under my thin cover
On my bed with the missing sheets
And the pillow that hasn’t be soft for years

I don’t want to be angry anymore
I’m tired of lugging this around me
I just wish I could really speak
Just say what’s I’m really thinking
But I just let it fester inside me
One day it’s gonna blow
And it’s going to kill me
Just like the tumor

And would you even notice if I was gone?
Probably, and not for any good reason
One of the biggest lies I tell myself
Everyday I’m fine.
I’m fine, I’m fine, fine, fine, fine
Like when you write a word too many times and it looks weird
Saying I’m fine no longer sounds the same
I hear the death rattle in my voice
The shallowness of my breath.

I woke up today and it was raining
My cigarettes were missing
My vodka was half empty

And I didn’t even drink last night
And in trying hard to not be angry
And I’m trying hard to let it go
And I’m trying so fucking hard to shake this
And it’s not working
And I’m running out of things to say
And I’m pretty sure that you’d notice if I was gone
And I’m positive it’d only be because the liquor would stop showing up.

9th November 2011

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I’m sure it’ll get better but right now it feels like I might never

You weren’t my dad
You weren’t there when I was little
You weren’t there as I learned
But you were there when I was old enough

When my parents weren’t there
I had you to guide me
To lean on when I felt like I couldn’t do it
When I felt lost you showed me that I really wasn’t.

I have so much to say
But I can’t find the words at all
And I feel like this isn’t even good enough
But it’s all I can say

You weren’t my dad
You might as well have been
Now you’re gone
And I have no idea what I’m going to do.

8th November 2011

Quote reblogged from epic4chan with 230 notes

#TIL #FYI The Space Jam website is still up, and hasn’t been updated since 1996. It’s beautiful! http://bit.ly/1ONXk